Truth be told...

This is most certainly the most difficult part — to sit down and be honest with yourself. Admitting your own mistakes is never easy, but saying them out loud while you stand bare naked, looking at yourself in the mirror, is a terrifying experience on a whole other level.

That look in the mirror is not the same as when you are dressed, or when you are dressing up to leave the house for a friend's birthday party. This is different. You are looking — or perhaps staring — at yourself, nowhere to hide, and before you even say anything you play with your facial muscles, expressing all sorts of emotions, trying to find the person you are, or the one you once knew very well. The person who would be either proud of you or ashamed of what you have become. Maybe you hope that the person you're trying to find in the reflection wouldn't judge you for all the decisions you've made. Would they understand?

This is the exact moment where you feel schizophrenic while knowing you are not. This is the moment when you wonder whether you have a split personality, or whether you simply lied too much to cover up all the mess you created — or chose not to lie, and simply remained silent when someone asked the question.

I, however, knew exactly how to subtly steer the conversation in a totally opposite direction. At first it was a self-defense mechanism; later, it became a subconscious reflex.

So, all truths but one — for now, that is. It is not a lie, but a decision. While I am confident enough to share how I fucked up my own life and the lives of many others around me, how my actions at times were a second-hand embarrassment, and how I intend to recover and regain control over my own life, I decided to write under a pen name instead of my own. The reason — I simply cannot disclose at the moment, because it may affect some important processes. Regardless, I found a way to share my story, my life, in the hope of tracking my own progress, and maybe, just maybe, someone else stumbles upon this and realizes there is someone else out there who has also fucked up their life, made some right and wrong choices, still believes they can fix it, and is willing to put in the enormous effort to do so — and thinks, "maybe I am not a lost cause, and I can do it too." AND YOU CAN!

This journal could have stayed private — I could have started and kept writing in physical form — but I opted against that, for the reason mentioned above. Also, I didn't want it to get lost, and I wanted access to my progress, relapse moments, struggles, and successes "on-the-go," and to be able to access them any time I — or you — might need it.

Truth be told... I lost pretty much everything, everything that I have worked so hard for my entire life. Trust me, sometimes it feels like a movie, written and directed by some of the most incredible minds in cinematography. Sometimes, or more often than not, it's too hard to believe this is real.

Truth be told... With all the losses, I was most afraid of losing the two most precious people in my life — the one who brought me to life, and the one who has become my life — my mother and my wife. Confessing all my wrongs and sins carried a great risk of losing their trust forever, and I know I delivered a major blow. My admission, and certain situations that followed, certainly felt like an earthquake of 7.9 magnitude. Despite everything and against all odds, I am forever grateful they are still by my side.

Truth be told... Today begins one of the most important battles in my life, and I will win.

-Max